November 26, 2016


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I had lunch with a new friend this past Friday and stumbled into sharing my values with regard to abstaining from sex until marriage. In utter amazement she exclaimed, “That’s the holy trinity of anomalies! You’re Black, Single, and Abstinent.” Yeah so ummmmm… she totally nailed it! It is absolutely abnormal in today’s culture to save sex for marriage. Just to show that there has been a shift in recent years. It was just 16 years ago in 2000,  Jay-Z had a song called ‘I Just Wanna Love U’ where he said “save the narrative, you savin it for marriage…” This to me is an indication that it was more prevalent then to hear people expressing abstinence as a value and a way of life. In the very next line, Jay-Z questioned how genuine this value was but it was at the very least not unheard of. And again this was just 16 years ago. And now… 16 years later, when I tell someone I’m abstinent, you’d think I cursed their mama!

I’ve been laughed at, told I will never find a man who’d be willing to marry me without test driving, dismissed as a religious freak, and so much more. However, these are just the external naysayers. Unfortunately, they have been no match for the internal naysayer I’ve contended with at times. I have found that my internal voice is the loudest and ugliest with regards to matters of intimacy and sexuality. This has become even more of a reason for me to devote myself to discipline in this area.

While my reasons for choosing to abstain from sex until marriage are undergirded by my faith, my desire for something different began prior to becoming a Christian. You see, I have something to compare my current lifestyle with. When I talk about my past, I reference it as my “hay day.” By definition, a hay day is the period of one’s greatest popularity, vigor, or prosperity. By secular world standards, the period of my life before coming to Christ would have totally been deemed a “hay day.” The irony though is that my current life is far more abundant and fun and without engaging in many of the things I used to. But back to my point… During my so called hay day when I was sexually active, I felt so empty and depressed. I’d be lying if I said that there weren’t moments that were physically pleasurable or fun. But Good Night!… Those moments lasted what? 30 minutes? An hour? Compared to the countless hours I went feeling used, invalidated, unloved, unknown, optional, etc. It didn’t add up and it certainly wasn’t adequate compensation for how I felt after the fact.

I found myself denying not only who I was but also what  I was truly desiring. I’d convinced myself I could be ok with casual sex (otherwise known as sex with no strings). That was a lie! I wanted more. I needed more. I wanted to be genuinely pursued, seen, known, loved, cared for, protected, honored, and respected. In the world of casual sex, these things are an impossibility. And again I had this epiphany even before I knew (or should I say cared about) God’s views on sex.

I guess all that to say… seven years later I’m ok with being the “Holy Trinity of Anomalies.” It has forced me to not only be completely resolved in my reasons for choosing to be abstinent but also grow the intimacy of my relationship with the Lord in the process. And if nothing else it certainly keeps life interesting lol.

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  • Shauna Marie November 26, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    “Holy trinity of anomalies” — that’s definitely an interesting perception and perspective.

    I think it’s so ironic that sexual intercourse can fall into the realm of ‘intimacy’ when in fact the sentiments you described as a result of the aftermath of casual, sexual experiences point toward the exact opposite of an intimate feeling.

    Furthermore, what you describe now (in practicing abstinence) in regard to your relationship building with God, seems much more intimate in nature.

    Thanks for sharing.

    • Veronica November 26, 2016 at 9:20 pm

      And guess what? That’s exactly what I learned. You’re on it! My perception of intimacy prior to was completely false. Intimacy has more to do with the “knowing” of a person in a deeply emotional sense. I had no clue every relationship (even non-romantic) is capable of experiencing intimacy. See I knew we were kindred spirits ?. Thanks so much for your comment!

  • Winter Mistique Janello November 27, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    I agree with Shauna’s comment. Most women are unwilling to talk about the negative side of casual sex. And it seems ever so unpopular to admit we as women want more! Only when we realize we DESERVE more do things change!

    • Veronica November 28, 2016 at 7:08 am

      Unpopular and often times offensive.

  • Shaliss November 28, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    It’s unfortunate that people argue against the purpose of abstaining yet many feel so empty doing the opposite. When I was practicing abstinence prior to marriage, it was hard at times. Girl, I was chuckled at, given the side eye and told “good luck” finding a man that’ll commit to that as well. There were also friends/fam who were very encouraging… The act of waiting is/should be a heart thing and it definitely deepens the relationship/intimacy with God which is far more fulfilling! In the end, my waiting wasn’t in vain and there ARE men who want to wait on God as well. –Good post. Keep this convo going lady! 🙂

    • Veronica November 28, 2016 at 10:27 pm

      Precisely! I have yet to have an honest heart to heart with man or woman where the significance of abstaining has been challenged. Of course there are plenty of statements where people assume they’d never be able to do it for whatever reason (mostly from men) and refusing to believe they’d still be desirable when sex is off the table (typically women). But hardly ever, a flat out rejection of why it makes sense. Yep you get a slew of reactions for sure ha ha. I’ve had to develop thick skin and deep resolve to contend with them all. I agree with you 100% with regard to richness of the intimacy in my relationship with the Lord because of this season. There are areas of my heart and soul I thought could never been touched or filled. Thank you so much for the note you ended on! I believe this with everything in me even if there seems to be no proof of it in the natural. Thankful for you and your support Shaliss 🙂

  • Lynda M. Carpenter December 10, 2016 at 9:57 am

    Hey! Great post!! One day it hit me. How can I ask God to bless me in an area of my life where I am consciously NOT honoring Him? I realized that the only way God would ever bless me in my dating life was when I put Him first. It was hard, for sure, but when my heart made the decision, God blessed me with other women who kept me accountable. Instead of only being surrounded by my friends who thought I was nuts, God brought friends into my life who were committed to abstaining as well. In the end, I feel so blessed, valued and loved by my husband who “waited” for me. There is not greater gift than to feel God’s hand over (and in) your relationship. You ARE an anomaly….but it is sooo worth it!

    • Veronica December 10, 2016 at 12:43 pm

      I love this Lynda! Thank you for sharing and for your encouraging words. Yes, it can certainly be challenging at times. But I believe you when you say, it’s worth it. Ha ha cheers to being an anomaly 🙂