How to Not Play Yourself On Your First Date

July 20, 2017

Take it from someone who has played herself PLENTY. There are far better things you’d like to be remembered for.

To peel back the covers on the incidents I alluded to in It’s Me I Don’t Trust…last year was the 10-year reunion of my college graduation (YIKES!). I was still processing elements of a relationship that ended a month prior, and still experiencing some pretty raw emotion. You ever try so hard to convince yourself you’re ok, meanwhile you’re SO NOT?

Ok, on with the story already…I don’t normally go out. Scratch that…I have NO life! So, I felt like I needed to cave in to the peer pressure from my friends and hang for a change. I called myself getting fancy that weekend. I promised my chicas I would attend at least one homecoming event every day from Friday to Sunday. Check me out! Two events down, I hit the streets with my crazy girlfriend Gail that Saturday night to attend an event at the W Midtown (Atlanta).

All was well. We laughed, joked, danced. AND THEN…I was pelvic thrusted on the dance floor. So because this guy (who is actually a long time friend who I adore) is infamous for pelvic thrusting when he dances, I should have known better. I forgot. Ok, maybe I didn’t. Also, I may or may not have liked it. I will neither confirm nor deny. The point is, I was pelvic thrusted quite a few times that night.

The next day, Gail and I were back at it! We went to a day party. I was reunited with the first guy I messed with when I moved to Atlanta 15 years ago. Talk about history. We’ve seen each other navigate through different seasons in life. Our comfort level with one another and chemistry has always been crazy. We have quite a few inside jokes, and our respect for one another is unspoken but understood. So, what happens? We were drawn to one another like magnets. We didn’t leave each other’s side. We held hands, hugged…legit you would’ve thought we were in one of those long-term relationships that gets on your nerves….you know, where the couples display so much PDA, it WEARS YOU OUT!

Welp, I wouldn’t have in a million years guessed what would have happened next. Some of you right now are probably saying, “I knew it! I knew she wasn’t really abstinent.” O ye of little faith! The party was nearing an end so people were starting to say their goodbyes. Papi (literally what I’ve always called him lol) and I were doing this half-way hugging, half-way slow dancing thing. AND THEN…he kissed me. WTH! Again, I neither confirm nor deny that I liked it.

LAWD, long story short, I was a THOT homecoming weekend!

In between getting pelvic thrusted Saturday night and kissed Sunday, I managed to meet a new guy. We had a few really good conversations then set a date for Tuesday of that next week.

Remember, I mentioned I was dealing with raw emotion and still processing things from a recent break-up. Because I hadn’t dealt with my crap, the events from the weekend were a direct reflection of the unhealthy space I was in. When I’m operating optimally mentally and emotionally there’s no way I would have been in a position for those things to go down. I would have seen the pelvic thrust mid-thrust and blocked it. I also wouldn’t have been close enough to Papi to have been kissed. The fact of the matter is, I was extremely vulnerable, and to exacerbate things further, I was in denial about it.

I was feeling so much shame and remorse from the things that occurred over the weekend that I was in an even worse state. (To some it may seem like I’m making a big deal out of nothing but appropriate boundaries are really important to me so, I was disappointed in my lack thereof). Just to set things up for you guys, this is the mind frame I was in going into the date. I hadn’t fully processed everything, and I felt terrible. Do you know I ended up telling this guy what happened? Like, I totally blurted out, “I was a THOT this weekend!”

Let’s just say he, unlike you guys, did not appreciate my transparency (LOL). But here’s the thing…I knew better. I played myself!

Under NO circumstances do you bare all during a first date!

Ladies, we are so guilty of this. So let me repeat, DO NOT BARE ALL ON THE FIRST DATE! This is not about playing games. It’s wisdom.

The first date should be geared toward having values-based discussions. Whatever values are deal-breakers for you, you want to get a feel for where this person stands in their regard. Examples of values-based topics are:

  • Religion
  • Marriage/Family
  • Politics
  • Social Issues
  • Life Trajectory

Know that you can discern where a person stands on these topics by asking indirect questions and paying attention to what they’re not saying as well as what they are saying.

I have probably met two guys in my entire life who didn’t put on (aka present their representative) during initial interactions. Therefore, I go into all dates knowing what I’m getting may or may not be 100% accurate. This is no diss to men. I truly believe that for those who aren’t just trying to smash, the intentions are pure. They just want to get it right. I’m not mad at that, but it’s misleading for women because we tend to take things at face value and partially, because it fits our fantasy.

So ladies, when we give up all the deets on the first date, we either turn men off or allow them to know exactly how they need to posture themselves in order to get what they want. Either way, we lose. Make sense?

Here are 3 tips for your first date:

  1. Go slow! – Dating is not a race. Take your time. Don’t feel pressured to answer every question or provide elaborate responses.
  2. Pay attention – You will have everything you need to make an informed decision on whether or not to proceed based on your first date. Honor your intuition.
  3. Relax and Have Fun! – Be yourself, whoever that is. If you’re quirky or clumsy, be that! You want someone to like you for you.

What have you found to be effective on first dates?

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